Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off

My relationship with my parents is very odd as I have gotten older. I've always gone to my mother for everything and my father has just been standing in the background. I am not nearly as close to my mother anymore as I use to be but more so with my father now. I think it is because I don't live with them anymore that the relationship has been reversed. I never really got to figure out how my mother felt about mine and Michael's relationship. She never asked about him or even mentioned him when I was around her. My father on the other hand thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. He always asked me every time I saw him how Michael was doing. I grew comfortable talking with my father about Michael. I guess you could say we bonded over him. When we broke up, my father just said he was very disappointed in him and ashamed of his character. He thought he was a better person then to do me wrong the way he did. My mother had nothing to say at all.

So, we (being my smart ass younger sister, mother and father) go out to dinner for mothers day on Sunday. The conversation turns to Emily dating again. How the hell it got there I really don't remember. My sister's advice to me for getting over my break-up is this simple: get a bottle of tequila and fuck the first guy that lets you. The best way to get over one is to get under another. I just shake my head. That is not my style. Knowing how tequila makes me feel; yeah my clothes would come off but I'd also throw up on him. Seriously, I'm not taking love advice from a 20 year old who is in a drought worse than Texas and hasn't gotten laid herself in over a year. She cautious me to not let this happen to me. Gee thanks. She says I need to get back out there and "go at it." I don't need to sit around all sad and thinking about what might have been.

My mother agrees with my sister on getting back out there. Of course, my mother agrees. I talk about smoking hookah and she rips me up one side and down the other about the dangers of smoking when I was 23 and clearly know all about it. However, the golden child over here post it up on facebook that she is smoking and all mother says is that at least it is not as bad as ciggarettes. I swear, my sister could kill someone and there would be some loophole why it isn't her fault. That's a whole another blog in itself. So, mother thinks I need to get back out dating again and have a good time. Her only issue is to not sleep with "all of them". I love her take on things. She is so out of reality I just sit back and laugh. Date but just try and not sleep with too many men along the way. I need to have fun but not too much fun.

My father says he respects my hesitation on getting out there and dating. He says I've been through a "tramatic" event. His words. He feels I need to take some time but don't put a time limit such as not dating for three months or waiting for Mr. Right to fall in your lap. He too believes I need to try and get back out there. At least make an effort. I respect his opinion. He never touches the topic of sex with me. His opinion is what I do on my own time is my own business and he doesn't need to know about it.

My feeling on getting out there are mixed. Emotionally, I don't feel I am ready. I haven't even taken the pictures down of the two of us around my house. I can't seem to erase the very first text message he ever sent me. I've made some progress; I've deleted all the rest but I can't seem to let go of the first one. One that started things. My other reason that I hesitate is that I now have major trust issues. For 12 of the 14 months, it was nothing but I love you and I want to be with you. Our love is strong. Don't worry baby, stick with me and everything is going to work out fine. A bunch of open promises is what he gave me. I am trying my damnest to not look at every man and think yeah, he'd promise me the world and tell me he is in love with me and then wham one day he wakes up and decides I am just not worth it. And lastly, I don't believe in love at first sight but the first night I had dinner with Mike; as he was walking away from my porch I looked up and said "God dammit, he is the guy I should have been with all along." And from there the relationship went from 0 to 60. It was electrifying and that never stopped. For 14 months it was like that. I was truly in love with this man. And to have him just cancel our relationship and say he can't deal with it anymore because friends caution him about how non-traditional our relationship with him being on his tour in Japan is or that he is trying to move up the officer ranks and I'd be a burden. Well honey, you are just going to be one lonely son of a bitch with your admiral patches. I worry that I will never find that electrifying romance again. I had never felt that way for anyone---even my ex-husband. I have experienced true love and worry that no other guy will measure up. Mike had a lot of fine qualities and that is what I fell in love with. On the other hand, face it I am not getting younger. I want to settle down and have a family. I want a husband to love and kids to raise. I can't go around moping and pissying my life away over a broken heart. I've started flirting a little and it feels so weird to me. I haven't done this with anyone expect Mike for so long. This is why I don't think I am ready to date. But how long should I go before I start dating again? No lies, it is always better playing in the game than sitting on the side lines watching everyone else have a grandy ole' time.