Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off

My relationship with my parents is very odd as I have gotten older. I've always gone to my mother for everything and my father has just been standing in the background. I am not nearly as close to my mother anymore as I use to be but more so with my father now. I think it is because I don't live with them anymore that the relationship has been reversed. I never really got to figure out how my mother felt about mine and Michael's relationship. She never asked about him or even mentioned him when I was around her. My father on the other hand thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. He always asked me every time I saw him how Michael was doing. I grew comfortable talking with my father about Michael. I guess you could say we bonded over him. When we broke up, my father just said he was very disappointed in him and ashamed of his character. He thought he was a better person then to do me wrong the way he did. My mother had nothing to say at all.

So, we (being my smart ass younger sister, mother and father) go out to dinner for mothers day on Sunday. The conversation turns to Emily dating again. How the hell it got there I really don't remember. My sister's advice to me for getting over my break-up is this simple: get a bottle of tequila and fuck the first guy that lets you. The best way to get over one is to get under another. I just shake my head. That is not my style. Knowing how tequila makes me feel; yeah my clothes would come off but I'd also throw up on him. Seriously, I'm not taking love advice from a 20 year old who is in a drought worse than Texas and hasn't gotten laid herself in over a year. She cautious me to not let this happen to me. Gee thanks. She says I need to get back out there and "go at it." I don't need to sit around all sad and thinking about what might have been.

My mother agrees with my sister on getting back out there. Of course, my mother agrees. I talk about smoking hookah and she rips me up one side and down the other about the dangers of smoking when I was 23 and clearly know all about it. However, the golden child over here post it up on facebook that she is smoking and all mother says is that at least it is not as bad as ciggarettes. I swear, my sister could kill someone and there would be some loophole why it isn't her fault. That's a whole another blog in itself. So, mother thinks I need to get back out dating again and have a good time. Her only issue is to not sleep with "all of them". I love her take on things. She is so out of reality I just sit back and laugh. Date but just try and not sleep with too many men along the way. I need to have fun but not too much fun.

My father says he respects my hesitation on getting out there and dating. He says I've been through a "tramatic" event. His words. He feels I need to take some time but don't put a time limit such as not dating for three months or waiting for Mr. Right to fall in your lap. He too believes I need to try and get back out there. At least make an effort. I respect his opinion. He never touches the topic of sex with me. His opinion is what I do on my own time is my own business and he doesn't need to know about it.

My feeling on getting out there are mixed. Emotionally, I don't feel I am ready. I haven't even taken the pictures down of the two of us around my house. I can't seem to erase the very first text message he ever sent me. I've made some progress; I've deleted all the rest but I can't seem to let go of the first one. One that started things. My other reason that I hesitate is that I now have major trust issues. For 12 of the 14 months, it was nothing but I love you and I want to be with you. Our love is strong. Don't worry baby, stick with me and everything is going to work out fine. A bunch of open promises is what he gave me. I am trying my damnest to not look at every man and think yeah, he'd promise me the world and tell me he is in love with me and then wham one day he wakes up and decides I am just not worth it. And lastly, I don't believe in love at first sight but the first night I had dinner with Mike; as he was walking away from my porch I looked up and said "God dammit, he is the guy I should have been with all along." And from there the relationship went from 0 to 60. It was electrifying and that never stopped. For 14 months it was like that. I was truly in love with this man. And to have him just cancel our relationship and say he can't deal with it anymore because friends caution him about how non-traditional our relationship with him being on his tour in Japan is or that he is trying to move up the officer ranks and I'd be a burden. Well honey, you are just going to be one lonely son of a bitch with your admiral patches. I worry that I will never find that electrifying romance again. I had never felt that way for anyone---even my ex-husband. I have experienced true love and worry that no other guy will measure up. Mike had a lot of fine qualities and that is what I fell in love with. On the other hand, face it I am not getting younger. I want to settle down and have a family. I want a husband to love and kids to raise. I can't go around moping and pissying my life away over a broken heart. I've started flirting a little and it feels so weird to me. I haven't done this with anyone expect Mike for so long. This is why I don't think I am ready to date. But how long should I go before I start dating again? No lies, it is always better playing in the game than sitting on the side lines watching everyone else have a grandy ole' time.

Have you been to the bookstore lately?

Seems like an odd question to ask. My best guy friend Matt Looney once told me years ago that the best place to take someone for a first date is the bookstore. Unlike a movie, you get a chance to discuss many things. You can't help but expand on so many different avenues. There's at least one topic that interest most people and if you are not human there's at least one topic that you can't stand and can bitch about. Either way, your conversing and engaging in conversation. He said this is a great way to find likes and dislikes about a person. Also, if they don't like reading (in his book-pardon the pun) they are not smart and not worth Emily's time.

I absolutely love reading. I wish someone would pay me to read. I work across from the mall so often times I find myself in the Barnes and Nobles just walking around and browsing the latest and greatest in new novels. I never buy anything because my cheap ass can't stand the thought of paying upwards of $20.00 for a paperback book that will be read in 2 or 3 days. I make a list of the books I'd like to read and go to the FREE public library. Anywho, my newly single self was waltzing in there just this week and thought of Matt and our conversation many moons ago. I started thinking and thought wouldn't this be a perfect place to meet someone? Hello, they would like to read. You wouldn't need to drag them into the bookstore. They would already be there and willing. I look around and see several college looking boys with backpacks sitting in chairs going through textbooks. They looked about 19...maybe :/ No dice there! Then there were the two unattractive men sitting at the adjacent starbucks counter with headphones on repeating something they were listening too in some language that I had no clue. The emo guy that's tightness on the pants put mine to shame. The 50 year old overweight lawyer type. The mid 30's dad with a young son. Looking around there is absolutely no prospect at all. Not too sound conceited but where are all the smart hot guys at? You know where there at. There down in Victoria Secret and probably on a first date. Who can't find a conversation starter in that store? Just sayin'

Uncharted Territory

So, I did one thing today that scared me. They say you should do this---they being all those philosophical whoevers out there that try to give advice. Anyway, I finally put my application in for the SECEP organization. This organization caters to students with special needs ranging from moderate disabilities, medical disabilities and severe disabilities. Also, there are programs within the organization dealing with students who have been expelled. I didn't apply for those. Come on, I'm 5'0, 110 lbs, you think I can handle thugs---hell no. The program I applied for is the teacher development program for people who would like to become teachers. This is another avenue that I have been toying with in my head ever since I graduated from college back last May. Not to dote on myself but I think I would make a good teacher. I am compassionate about the things that I do. I am definately no dummy. I have organizational skills and I'm good with time management (when I want too). I have a love of knowledge and enjoy teaching others things that I know. I already teach yoga and while that is not special needs students it is still teaching. I love getting up in front of people and talking. I am not afraid to speak and be heard. I believe this would be very rewarding and fulfilling. I submitted my application, transcripts from ODU and resume. I will hear back from them within the next few days to see if I qualify for the information session. I hear this is a process so patience is a virtue. Working with special needs students is very challenging and I think I have what it takes to take on this challenge.

Pink Slip

I told a blonde that I got a pink slip. She said "Congratulations, it's a girl." Well then....hmmmm....yeah......about that.....

As of June 30th, I no longer have a place to go from 8am to 4:30pm each week day. I was under a one year contract and it expires June 30th. Our organization is downsizing due to "economic times" (haven't we heard those two words too damn much) and therefore has implimented a RIFF policy. This policy states that certain positions will be cut and seniority will precede over. My position is still there but someone else with my title who's position is being cut is now going to be in my shoes. Bummer!!!!

I am on the job hunt once again. Not long ago I was in these same shoes. I am confident that I will find something soon. I have applied for 13 positions with the city of Virginia Beach Public School system. There are other numerous jobs such as administrative assistant and paralegal type that I have put in for as well. The laws of averages have to add up. The more I put out there the better a chance I will at getting one. At 25, I am going through a quarter life crisis. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I have this bachelors degree in criminal justice but I don't want to be a cop and I don't want to work in the prisons. I have no one to blame but myself. I wanted a degree and I got one but I didn't put too much thought into what I was going to do with that degree. I should have listened to my heart way back when and went to nursing school. However, it was hard. I was a slack ass and just didn't care. Now it is biting me in the ass. I should have thought of career goals and what I want out of life long before now. I've reached this point and still I just want a modest lifestyle. Nothing fancy. I do like nice things but I don't drive a Rolls Royce or have a Rolex watch. I buy my clothes on the walmart shelf at half price. I wash my dishes and clothes. I'm pretty low key and low maintanence. What do I want? The simple things in life! This is something a degree can't always offer.

Starting Over Again

Ok, I've decided to start blogging as a way to relieve stress. I have always found writing to be a great way of getting my feelings out and about. It helps me in ways that no one or anything can. I have now joined millions in the blogging craze.

The title says it all. Starting over again. I feel as if I am doing that now. I'm 25 years old and feel as if my life is not at all where I want it to be. I am learning to let go of the "how it is suppose to be" status that we all are so quick to judge. I am starting all over again. I have just come out of a 14 month relationship that was ended abuptly. For 12 of those 14 months he was in love with me. We talked everyday. We emailed everyday. Our relationship was not the traditional style relationship as he was stationed in Japan after a few months of us getting together. I don't blame the military for our break up. I don't blame the stress of him being an officer for our break up. I don't even blame myself for it. It was all him. He decided that after 12 months of living a lie that he didn't love me anymore. He is only looking out for himself and the judgement of others and how a relationship should be got the best of him. He was not comfortable that we didn't see each other on a daily basis. For a long distance relationship, it was great. He called me twice a day (on his dime) and we emailed as well. I felt as if I was married to him. We had common ground, similar interest and an understanding of each other. We had talks of eventually getting married when his tour was up and we had settled down for some time. I thought things were great and then I wake up one morning to our relationship being cancelled on facebook. On facebook, yes...someone hadn't smacked me in the face they had just beaten the shit out of me with a baseball bat. He didn't love me anymore and that was just the way it was. His words. I am hurting right now and for the past two weekends I have been trying to drink my heartache away. No amount of jack can do it. However, I have the love and support of my great friends that are helping me in this time of heartache. I am very grateful to them. I am by no means ready to get into another relationship right away. But unlike my divorce, this breakup has actually made me realize that not all men are jerks and I can't lump all of them together. I had major trust issues after my divorce and while Mike has tested those trust issues with me again. I know that there are better men out there and someone will truly love me and not be afraid to love me. I want a family with kids and a husband. In time, I am hopeful that this will all happen. I am starting over again in the single scene and it is quite frightening. 25 and single...where has the time gone?